2018 Kicked my A**

I’m not sure why, but it upsets and bothers me when people post about how amazing and good their year was. I don’t think I’ve ever had a year where I was like damn that was a good year. I guess I’m jealous they did, but also skeptical that an entire year could be that good. I even got engaged this year, bought a house, and a new car and I wouldn’t say it was the most amazing year of my life and part of me feels badly for feeling that way. But honestly this year kicked my ass.

My health has been weighing on my happiness for over 2 years now and also on Kevin. It has been a battle for me and ultimately for us. I’m also in a job where I’m not sure it’s what makes me happy anymore. It’s like my passion ran and hid after year two. As if my love for teaching was snuffed out and I was left raw, empty, and exhausted. Sleep never satisfies and no break rejuvenates my aching soul. Yet, what else would I do? What am I good at? Am I good at anything else? How can one reach so many milestones and still be unhappy? These are the questions that haunt my tired mind.

I know that sounds depressing, but it’s the truth and my pledge to you and myself is to be more real. So truthfully, I haven’t sat down and written in several years-I pretty much stopped my blog once I became a teacher. I stopped writing, drawing, and creating. The three things that truly make me, me. It’s as if my passion died and my career took over.

I bet I’m not alone in that. I’m sure many of us have set aside the things we love doing because of our jobs, or this, that or the other. I think it’s time to reconnect with yourself. To reclaim your deepest joys and passions. I realized that I stopped doing the things that make me feel alive from people asking me-what do you do for fun or what are your hobbies?! I found myself grasping at straws or wondering huh what do I do for me? What do I do other than go out with friends, workout, and watch tv or go on my phone?!

It’s time we ask ourselves-What makes me tick?! What are my creative outlets? How do I relax?!

In order to do that we need to be more real on social media. What are we trying to prove anyway?! Why do we agonize over a post before we post it. Afraid of what people might think or wonder if they’ll think we look less than perfect. We see dream vacations, engagements, parties, happy families, etc, but what this does is create a sense that everyone has it all figured out except you. When in reality the only thing that has its shit together is your Instagram feed. The perfect pictures live online, but don’t translate to reality. I’ve got cute pics on my feed that make it seem like an epic night with friends when in real life it was one filled with drama. Every single person is going through something even if they don’t show it. You are not alone in your struggle and no one has it easy. If we were all a little more transparent I think mental health in general would improve. Let’s stop being afraid of our ailments and instead embrace them with open arms.

My hardest thing that I need to do in 2019 is be done with people that are toxic. If someone constantly has a way of feeding into your darkest thoughts like I’m not good enough then you need to set boundaries. You have to distance yourself or they can create pain not only emotionally, but physically. I have no idea how you exactly detach from someone you’ve known for most of your life, but I know it’s time for me to do it. Sometimes you just have to love yourself more and realize that the best thing you can do is put yourself first.

So, in keeping it real, I would like to say that 2018 kicked my ass. In life changing wonders from engagement to house ownership to the darkest depths of days in bed, waking up in pain, and trying my hardest to control a health that is constantly challenging my day to day abilities. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that you know your body better than anyone or any doctor. Ask questions, push back, and never stop fighting for a better health. I have been told it’s all in my head and offered a multitude of medications that made me sicker. Just because a medical professional says it doesn’t mean you should do it. Research on your own, educate yourself, and never be afraid to try something new and outside your comfort zone. I’ve met so many doctors and holistic healers and I’m still continuing to grow my team and discover what works for me. The journey isn’t over, but guess who is in control of my health? Me. I’m determined to get better and to reach a new level of feeling good-one I’ve never even known because I AM WORTH IT.

If being honest and sharing your story could help one person then why wouldn’t you share it?

Xoxo 2018

I’m ready for ya 2019

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Reflections of a Soon to be 25 Year Old

2016. I think we can all agree that 2016 was one heck of a year…from the many celebrity deaths, the craziest election I’ve ever witnessed, tragedies, turmoil, etc.

Oh and that whole life thing where one day you’re doing great and the next it’s like nothing is going right and you lay there wondering what happened?! Yeah. I think it’s safe to say that will occur every year…

So let me get to the point of this blog: The whole purpose of New Years to me are the endless benefits of self-reflection. Maybe, that’s the teacher in me, but I think it’s hugely important-no matter what age-to continue to reflect, question, wonder, and thus, grow. Every year I learn something new about life, myself, and those around me. I typically can think of a theme for any given year, but this year is kind of a toss up for me. I feel like who I was at the start of 2016 and who I am now are two totally different people. I don’t know if that has to do with 25 looming in the coming month or if I just did a lot of growing up this year, but I don’t think the girl in January has anything on the girl who is sitting before her lap top right now punching at the keys.

2016 was not an easy year by any means. I finished up my first year of teaching, which was an incredible year of my life and an experience and a class that I will never forget.

Now, I’m in my second year of teaching. A dream come true, but never the less a difficult and exhausting career that I love with every inch of my being. It was harder than I anticipated to send my first class off to fifth grade and that made for a difficult start to my second year. I struggled to find my stride with my new students, I wondered if I was cut out for teaching, and if I was good enough for this group of kids. It took some inner searching, a lot of sleepless nights, long vent sessions, and many failures to find what worked with this group. It took teaching silently, it took courage, and it has taken everything I have, but these kids are so worth it and the relationship I still have with my old class hasn’t faded and won’t. It really showed me the value of my teaching. It unveiled to me what I can create and what good all of my students bring to my life. Will the rest of the year or the years to come be easy? No. I know that now and I know that it is part of the job and that I do have within me the ability and strength to figure it out.

I think many people know that I have been enduring an internal and external battle with a vicious mental illness. One that has made my body the enemy-while allowing food and exercise to control my life. I think we are going on 6 years of this battle as we head into 2017. 6 painful years of agonizing pain. Pain that is not visible or tangible to many who have not had to deal with this struggle on their own. An illness that I have been made fun of for, looked down on, gossiped about, and harassed. A personal conflict that has negatively impacted my thoughts and aspects of my life.

As I enter 2017, I can proudly say that I feel “normal” when it comes to food and exercise. I eat what I want and exercise when I want. I don’t stress about it or count calories or worry about what everyone else is doing. I just do what I want. I am in love with Zumba and have never laughed, smiled, or jumped around so much while exercising. I enjoy going so much! I wish I could tell those reading this how I got to this point and what the magic was that helped me out of such a dark time of my life. All I know is that I literally stopped worrying about my weight and it started to fix itself. I started doing more of what made me happy, I concerned myself with my own needs rather than that of others, I found someone who loves me for every ounce of my crazy and goofiness, and I have accepted that this is the body I was born with. It’s the only one I have and I need to love it as it is because it’s mine. Is every day easy? No. There are still days that I hate myself and my body, but there are more days where I embrace it and love who I am and what I have. For goodness sake, I’m the only me there is and that’s a beautiful thing in itself. If there’s anything I can tell you for this year its that we all need to practice more self-love, to assume good intentions, and to not sweat the small stuff. You know you give great advice so take it! What’s stopping you?

xoxo

Emily

22 Things Most Women Can Relate To

1) Having a Bad Day?Nothing a new pair of underwear can’t fix. 2) When You Know You Look GoodSomeone better see me looking this good otherwise today was a waste. 3) When You Have a ZitMaybe if I point it … Continue reading