I’m not sure why, but it upsets and bothers me when people post about how amazing and good their year was. I don’t think I’ve ever had a year where I was like damn that was a good year. I guess I’m jealous they did, but also skeptical that an entire year could be that good. I even got engaged this year, bought a house, and a new car and I wouldn’t say it was the most amazing year of my life and part of me feels badly for feeling that way. But honestly this year kicked my ass.
My health has been weighing on my happiness for over 2 years now and also on Kevin. It has been a battle for me and ultimately for us. I’m also in a job where I’m not sure it’s what makes me happy anymore. It’s like my passion ran and hid after year two. As if my love for teaching was snuffed out and I was left raw, empty, and exhausted. Sleep never satisfies and no break rejuvenates my aching soul. Yet, what else would I do? What am I good at? Am I good at anything else? How can one reach so many milestones and still be unhappy? These are the questions that haunt my tired mind.
I know that sounds depressing, but it’s the truth and my pledge to you and myself is to be more real. So truthfully, I haven’t sat down and written in several years-I pretty much stopped my blog once I became a teacher. I stopped writing, drawing, and creating. The three things that truly make me, me. It’s as if my passion died and my career took over.
I bet I’m not alone in that. I’m sure many of us have set aside the things we love doing because of our jobs, or this, that or the other. I think it’s time to reconnect with yourself. To reclaim your deepest joys and passions. I realized that I stopped doing the things that make me feel alive from people asking me-what do you do for fun or what are your hobbies?! I found myself grasping at straws or wondering huh what do I do for me? What do I do other than go out with friends, workout, and watch tv or go on my phone?!
It’s time we ask ourselves-What makes me tick?! What are my creative outlets? How do I relax?!
In order to do that we need to be more real on social media. What are we trying to prove anyway?! Why do we agonize over a post before we post it. Afraid of what people might think or wonder if they’ll think we look less than perfect. We see dream vacations, engagements, parties, happy families, etc, but what this does is create a sense that everyone has it all figured out except you. When in reality the only thing that has its shit together is your Instagram feed. The perfect pictures live online, but don’t translate to reality. I’ve got cute pics on my feed that make it seem like an epic night with friends when in real life it was one filled with drama. Every single person is going through something even if they don’t show it. You are not alone in your struggle and no one has it easy. If we were all a little more transparent I think mental health in general would improve. Let’s stop being afraid of our ailments and instead embrace them with open arms.
My hardest thing that I need to do in 2019 is be done with people that are toxic. If someone constantly has a way of feeding into your darkest thoughts like I’m not good enough then you need to set boundaries. You have to distance yourself or they can create pain not only emotionally, but physically. I have no idea how you exactly detach from someone you’ve known for most of your life, but I know it’s time for me to do it. Sometimes you just have to love yourself more and realize that the best thing you can do is put yourself first.
So, in keeping it real, I would like to say that 2018 kicked my ass. In life changing wonders from engagement to house ownership to the darkest depths of days in bed, waking up in pain, and trying my hardest to control a health that is constantly challenging my day to day abilities. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that you know your body better than anyone or any doctor. Ask questions, push back, and never stop fighting for a better health. I have been told it’s all in my head and offered a multitude of medications that made me sicker. Just because a medical professional says it doesn’t mean you should do it. Research on your own, educate yourself, and never be afraid to try something new and outside your comfort zone. I’ve met so many doctors and holistic healers and I’m still continuing to grow my team and discover what works for me. The journey isn’t over, but guess who is in control of my health? Me. I’m determined to get better and to reach a new level of feeling good-one I’ve never even known because I AM WORTH IT.
If being honest and sharing your story could help one person then why wouldn’t you share it?
I’m ready for ya 2019