Gosh. I haven’t written like this in so long that it feels unnatural, nerve-racking. My thoughts feel jumbled like a puzzle with worn edges; the pieces not fitting together like new. As I write this and feel all those things listed above…I think of what I always tell my students, “Do not fear failure, fear not trying.” I can’t help, but smirk at this and feel empowered to finish this blog without fear of how bad the writing is or how awkward the wording. So here goes…everything.
The inspiration behind this blog is my blog from 2013 as I entered 2014. I still have some of the same musings about how sappy and potentially eye-rolling it is to look back on your year and reminisce. Or how somewhat nauseating it can be to hear what resolutions are being made and most likely, unkept (too negative?) One thing I do agree with…wholeheartedly, is reflection. Reflection fuels growth, forgiveness, and change.
So 2015, it is time we reflect on our time together and I urge anyone who reads this to do the same. For, “Not every year is good, but there is something good in every year.” This year was the year of blessings. Each year I feel more and more blessed for the life I have and for those I am lucky enough to call, family. They are the ones who love you no matter what. Who believe in you when you don’t see your own worth and support you in times of struggle and triumph. I am truly blessed for my family and blessed for the friends who have stayed in touch even when miles stood between us. Thank you to each of you. You have all shaped me and continue to shape me in some way. I am grateful for it and I am better because of all of you.
I am blessed to have my dream job. I remember creating my resume and cover letters and feeling defeated by every rejection and wondering if I would ever get the call saying I was hired. When it happened it was one of the most unbelievable moments of my life. They wanted me. So naturally, happy tears flowed from my eyes. Now, I’ve been teaching fourth grade for four months and absolutely love my school, class, and community. I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity to teach, grow, and learn from my colleagues and students.
I am even blessed for my bizarre feline that bites and scratches me. For my Boots-Bootsy-Bobo-Bootzhu, that doesn’t appreciate his new kitty bed. Boots has taught me a lot about responsibility and that even the coldest of felines can be taught kindness. He’s a cat that went from never allowing me to hold him to expecting me to every time I came home. He is always excited when I walk through the door and nothing beats being greeted by a meowing -fluffy-puff ball, chirping some version of hello. So yes, Mr. Boots, no matter the scratches….I am blessed to have you.
2015 was also one of the most difficult years for love in my life. It holds the worst breakup I have ever experienced and the most painful heartache. I learned from hitting relationship rock bottom that I am more than any relationship or person and that who I am isn’t decided by who I call my boyfriend. I learned that I am strong enough to pick up the pieces, brush myself off, and survive. I went from sharing a place with someone and calling it our home to living in a bedroom with two almost-strangers. I faced change and met it with the promise of new beginnings. I realized that pain wasn’t the enemy, it was the result of breaking free from a life that wasn’t fulfilling. I came to peace with knowing that I would sometimes miss someone that hurt me and that it was okay. That it didn’t mean that I needed to run back to them, but that every relationship had its good times, its lessons, its memories, and in some way shaped the person I am today. It made me realize that I am capable of letting love in with everything I have and can survive when that love cripples and fades into oblivion. I am enough no matter what anyone tells me and I am strong enough to face the challenges that come with life.
2015 was one of the hardest and most beautiful years of my life. As I get older I learn so much about myself and find things each and every day that make me proud of who I am. Self-love is so important. You have to find something each and every day to love about who you are because the value you put on yourself is the one that everyone else sees. I may be flawed and completely irrational at times, but I learn each year to love something about myself and it helps me become stronger, kinder, wiser, and so incredibly grateful.